Why I Stopped Hiding My Tears at Work

I used to think crying was weakness.

If I felt the urge during a shift, I'd bite my lip and clench every muscle in my body to hold it back. I thought that's what strength looked like in scrubs. Fourteen years into oncology work MSKCC — through every role I've held — I can finally say it doesn't have to be that way.

In recent years, I've let myself actually feel things. I hold space for my patients and their loved ones instead of armoring against it. What I used to see as weakness, I now see as one of my greatest strengths. Look at me — being human, sharing a relatable human moment with a complete stranger. Isn't that beautiful?

I think of the postpartum mother.

She was my age. Just diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer at 36. It's in her brain. It's in every organ. She should be home right now, drowning in newborn snuggles, memorizing that new-baby smell. Instead, she's separated from her kids so she can get radiation. As a mom myself, I didn't just see a patient in that room. I saw myself. I saw what I'd be terrified to lose.

I think of the old man.

Hospice bound. Not a single visitor — no friends, no family, no one checking in. I saw my father in him. So I started spending a little extra time in his room. Learning about his life. Bringing him an extra blanket. Checking on him more than I technically had to, because no one else was going to.

Here's the thread that runs through every one of these moments: I see myself, or someone I love, in every single patient I care for. The postpartum mother could be me. The old man could be my dad. And because I let myself see that — really see it, instead of numbing myself against it — I take care of my patients better. Not despite the emotion. Because of it.

Fourteen years ago, I thought the job was to be unshakable. Now I know the job is to be present. And presence sometimes looks like letting those tears fall.

If you're in healthcare and you've felt that same urge to hold it together at all costs — I see you. And I promise, letting it out doesn't make you less capable. It might just make you the nurse, doctor, or caregiver someone remembers forever.